I haven’t written here in a long time, but I feel the need to do so again. The past few months I have heard and felt the struggle in my body get quieter. My mind isn’t as loud and crazy as it once was, and I am finding more of a connection with the natural way of the world. Not that I have become a full blown hippie or anything, but I have taken up doing yoga. It is helping me learn to let go. I have also made a decision, which is quite important and is what drove me back here to write.
I have been a fat kid my whole life. I’m 32 now and wear roughly a size 18/20. Now, the last time I wore this size it was 1995 and I was 12. So yeah. Fat kid, my whole life. The heaviest I ever was I weighed 330lbs. That was about 10 years ago when I was in college. My weight issues are pretty terrible, but I also have PCOS so the weight will go on like nothing without me even trying, but to get it to come off is an act of Congress.
I have been actively working to lose weight since March 2013. I started off pretty slowly, going on walks and short jogs around the neighborhood. I would do “Walk away the Pounds” dvds and things like that too. It was good. It got me moving. I started looking at what I ate. I started taking all the bread out. I read an article somewhere (I forget now, I’m sorry) that women with PCOS should cut out all diary and simple carbs. Also, keep the sugar as low as possible. So I tried. I started using soy milk and eating burgers with no cheese and no bun. That kind of thing. January 2014 I decided I was going to do Paleo for the first time. 30 days with nothing processed, no dairy, alcohol, no added sugar. I did it and I had great results! It was fantastic. I stuck with certain aspects of it, but I didn’t follow it strictly all the time. July 2014 I found Training for Warriors. I had a groupon. My mom loves it and has been doing it for over a year. So I bit the bullet and went. It was fun. I saw results. I ended up moving right after my groupon expired for a job where I currently live.
Wednesday, 9/23 I officially signed up for Training for Warriors here in my current city. Saturday we are going to do stats and body composition and see how they change in the month of October. There is a $20 buy in and a grand prize for most muscle mass gained and most fat lost. I plan on taking home both of those prizes. On Saturday as well it will be day 45 for my 90 day Paleo challenge. I have been strict for the past 45 days and still have 45 more. I will be amazed to see what kind of actual changes are happening. The scale stopped moving the second week but I can feel changes happening.
So I’ve decided to show up. I’ve decided to let go of the fear of not being good enough and stop making excuses. I have always been afraid of being a skinny girl. I’ve been afraid of it my whole life. I don’t know how to be skinny. I don’t. I know how to be the biggest baddest bitch in the room, but I have no idea how to be skinny. That scares me to death. But I decided that it isn’t a big deal at all to be skinny. I can do it. I’m gonna fucking earn it. Not like all the other people who got their tummies tucked and gastric bypass. I’m capable of doing it by expending energy and putting stresses on my body that cause it to adapt. And if I never eat a bag of M&M or 3lbs of gummy bears or a bag of mini Reese’s cups for the rest of my goddamn life then so be it. I’ve spent enough time torturing myself, it is time to embrace me and take her to a new level.
Today is the new beginning.