Well, I promised you complete honesty, and I will give you that. The end of Thursday was a terrible fail. I got completely wasted. Lucky for me I threw it all up and had the worst hang over known to man, but I did it and it’s over. Yesterday I didn’t want to eat at all. I had some eggs and spinach and coffee. I didn’t workout. I ended up getting a tattoo though, which was fun and unexpected and completely spontaneous. It is a motivating tattoo. I’m working on giving myself permission to let go of the things that drag me down. Not only people but habits. I also need to let go of the hate that I have for myself. I have been putting myself down for decades now and I need to learn how to stop. In my horribly drunken stuper (that happened because of two hard blows to my heart) I realized that the whole time I kept saying “why does no one want me?” But really, that shouldn’t be my concern. I should be more concerned with why I think that I am the problem. I don’t have enough belief and love for myself to actually have any kind of healthy relationship. I sit around telling myself that I want to be in a relationship and I want someone to love me (which I do) but I never actually thought about why I don’t love myself. I don’t know why. I wish I did.
My new years resolution was consistency. Consistent in my life choices and just in any capacity that I can think of. I didn’t do so well with the consistency this week, but I am back on track and getting things worked out. Today I will complete the workout that I was going to do yesterday (leg day) and make wise food choices. I need to make a run to the grocery and prepare for the week ahead. It will be a better week. The motto of self love and letting go of the things that drag me down will be my mantra this week, and every week from here on out. Consistent!
I’m also going to make a point to go out and involve myself in the community. I start volunteering at the library this weekend and I am excited about it. I get to meet new people! I get to be back in a library and I get to help people out with whatever they need. It might only be for a couple hours a week, but it is still something. I hope it is as much fun as I think it will be.