My emotions are in high volume the past few days. I attribute it to a few things. I’m crazy hormonal now that I am back on hormones. I’m still dealing with demons, and I am a hypochondriac about my health (ironic since I smoke, drink, etc). I got an IUD on Friday and I am freking out at every little thing that is happening to my body. My neck is stiff because I keep clenching my damn jaw and I slept funny. It is giving me a headache. One of the things they tell you when you get the IUD is that if you have a migraine to call your doctor because something is wrong. Naturally, I think something is wrong. Even though I can totally justify EVERYTHING that is happening to me, I just can’t handle it. I’m trying to get my jaw to let go, but as I sit here and type I can feel myself clenching and even though I try and make a real effort to stop I can’t. Ugh! WTF is my problem :-/. I want to get over my demons. Like I said in my last post I don’t want to become a substince abuser like I usually do. Now, before everyone gets worried, I am not out here doing coke or banging heroin. I have never done hard drugs. I just smoke weed. My drinking picks up also. I am sort of checked out right now. I am still forcing myself to interact with friends (there is usually drinking involved so naturally I will go). Today, I have a date with my gays to see the new Hobbit movie. I don’t usually drink with them. I don’t do drugs around them anymore either. I feel like at this age they look at me like I’m a loser if I do. I feel like everyone looks at me like I am a loser though. I feel like because I regressed back to living with my parents because I couldn’t make it on my own. Actually, maybe no one looks at me like that. Maybe it is all my own perception of myself. I beat myself up all the time because I haven’t accomplished anything and I am 30. It isn’t like I’m not trying to accomplish anything, its just like I’m not good enough to succeed. I really just want to feel normal. People keep telling me its gonna take time for me to feel normal again. I get that. I just don’t usually have this hard a time bouncing back.
I know that I have to give my body time to get itself back to normal. Eventually the hormones will level back out and I will feel fine. Eventually my crying will stop. My neck will unwind. My jaw will unclench and I will be FINE. I will be back to my own normal self. I will have fun and it won’t be forced and I will strive to make my life better everyday. I want to workout. I want to so bad but I am trying to give my parts time to adjust to the new intruder in my body. I have been in pain the past couple days. It is normal. I just want to be myself. Happy, positive, loving me. I am going to put together a workout plan for myself today. It will give me something to focus on that isn’t negative. There is one thing that I have always wanted in my life that I never cared about myself enough to do, and that was be healthy and fit. I’m not expecting miracles over night. I know better than that. I just want to feel beautiful. I want other people to notice my beauty and not just figure it out once they get to know me. Most don’t have that chance. It will come on time. I just have to have faith in myself and the drive to accomplish it.
I want to know how people go through their lives everyday loving themselves. I want to know how they got to that point. I want to be happy in my career, my body, my mind, my accomplishments, my existance, my mind, my everything. I want to be so in love with myself that I know that I won’t settle for less because I think that is what I deserve. I don’t know where the wires got crossed. I don’t know what I did to believe that I deserve what I have created in my life. I have to start slow. This i know. I just need my body to heal a little more before I can do that. God, I am such a broken record! I say and say what I am going to do. Actions speak louder, don’t they? I just don’t know how I ended up becoming this person that I never thought I would become. Granted, in High School I didn’t think I would survive to see 30 because of my depression. I pushed on and I have so many great memories from the years since then, that alone should be enough to succeed. Remembering the past, but not living there and remembering what kind of person I used to be. I was so much more confident and so much more happy in my life. I want to channel that girl and remember what she was and incorporate that into my new self. I also have to remember that actions do speak louder. I need more action and less talk.