I don’t know what I did to be blessed as much as I am to have such a wonderful figure in my life. Someone who honestly believes in me and honestly will listen to my problems and tell me what I know, but need to hear from someone else. There are certain parts of my mind I am not so good at handling. Lately I have been fighting with some inner demons. Lots of hard decisions. Lots of more hard decisions. But one thing I have decided is that I refuse to let myself become worse of a person than I already consider myself. I refuse to turn to substance abuse. I refuse to let that part of my past get ahold of me and drag me under. I have seen plenty of my friends do that lately, and I couldn’t face myself to be that kind of failure. I think about it, but then I remember how hard I have fought to get where I am and I couldn’t accept that. I worry about how other people view me, but truthfully I should be worried about the way that I look at myself. I am trying to get a better grasp on myself. Learn how to forgive myself for the things I have done that are secretly eating me alive. The lies I have told eat the hardest, but they are there for protection. Protection from judgement mostly. God knows I am trying to become a better person. And I’m not actually a bad person, but I have hurt myself very deeply and I just want to be able to forgive myself and recognize that I had to make a hard choice, but in doing so not only did I have to be certain about that choice but I also have to make a point to not hold it against myself.
I have a deep desire to focus on something new. I’m done being a student in a class room where I end up with a degree at the end, but I am not done being a student. I need to discover my creative outlet again. I need to find a way to bring my pain out in a constructive way. I have all the equipment, I just need the dedication. I need a vacation which I am getting after 4 work days next week for 2 weeks. On my vacation I plan on spending some time with myself, not worrying about getting up on time and making other people’s lives better. I am going to work on making my own life better. One of the biggest problems I have with life is that I don’t actually take time for myself. I need to work on me the most and not give a shit if I can’t do something for someone else. I always exhaust my resources in order to help others accomplish something, but I want to spend that time and energy on myself. I want to set some new goals that involve creating, meditating, and expending energy through exercise. I also want to spend time reading (I have started the Game of Thrones books) and striving toward other things. Maybe focus on my writing more and possibly starting some independent research on something. My co-worker gets annoyed when I tell her that I am bored and have nothing to do. She has a daughter my age and her daughter has the same problem. I don’t like to sit idol. Sometimes I have to, but I don’t like it. I enjoy a schedule and lots of things to do. I think it is the curse of my generation being raised to be multitaskers. We don’t know how to stop. We don’t know how to be idol. We don’t know how to let go and just relax. One day I might find that. I also might find that place in my art. I want to. I need to. One step at a time though. Talking about my demons is a good place to start. And once I get the chance to develop something more than a drug rabbit I will be fine.
Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for helping me understand that I am unique and oddly human. I run from my problems. I run from my fears. I sabotage things that I think I don’t deserve, but truly crave. I allow others to use and abuse me because I don’t know how to say no because I always want to help people. Sadly I am not focused on the one person that needs my help the most. It is her turn. Time to focus.