I never in a million years thought I would end up where I am today. The decisions that I have made in my life have put me where I am at this moment. I’m not going to lie to you, I am privileged and my life is pretty good in that I have a job and a car and a place to live with the support and love of friends and family, but in my personal life I didn’t think I would be this far behind. I’m a little hormonal today because my PMS is crazy these days, but honestly, my personal life blows. I’m not talking about my social life, just personal. I have been in one real relationship. One. The current “relationship” (and I use that word VERY loosely) I am in is the longest of its kind. It has lasted well over a year. I’ve been a mess with feelings in regards to it, bouncing back and forth between love and general lack of interest. I care about him very much, I sit around and over analyze every thing that he does toward me to think that maybe he cares more about me than I think he does. We talk everyday. He supports me in my life decisions. He roots for me when I have an interview and he can talk me down off a ledge when I am at my whits end. I tell myself everyday that I need to back away and not be as attached as I am. I will end up saying too much. Last night I told him I missed the nights when we had chinese and netflix before he would curl up in my bed and snore in my ear all night. No, I didn’t get good sleep, but I loved it. That’s when things were good. I am unhappy in myself and that is why I sit and think about all the things that went on in the past. I was free and happy then. Yes there were ups and downs, but that is natural. Now I feel like there are far more downs than ups. Even the current problem that he and I are facing, I want it to be over. It will be on Wednesday. So very soon it will no longer be a problem. I keep telling myself that it is okay for me to cry and be emotional, and it certainly is okay even though I feel like I should be stronger than I am. Truth be told I am strong. Even though I don’t believe it most of the time, I am. I have been through a lot this year that I don’t tell people about and because of those things I am beyond strong compared to some people. The thing that I don’t understand is why I can’t just believe in myself. I don’t understand why I am so worried about him walking away from me or vice versa. Its not like this type of thing hasn’t happened to me before! Both ways. I wish I could talk to him about it. How I really truly feel. If I do, I will lose him forever and that is certainly something I cannot live with.
I wish noon would go ahead and roll in. I am ready to go to JJ’s and get my Sunday fix. I look forward to this all week long. I get to see my favorite boys and just not give a shit for a little while. The food is pretty good too. It is blustery and cold here today. I am excited about cold weather. I am a fan. The best part is when it is so quiet and clear at night that if you stand outside it is almost like you can hear the earth take a breath. You can hear it when it snows the best. That tink tink sound of the snow hitting the ground is the only thing you can hear. I love it. I am very excited about the wintery nights coming soon.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, bloggers. Things are happening quickly and I may not be ready for it, but I know I am strong enough to withstand whatever is coming.