One thing we, here in the south, don’t really know how to deal with is snow. The entire city will shut down at the sign of the first flake. People scramble to the local grocery store for eggs, bread, and milk and proceed to forget how to drive. This coming Wednesday we have a chance of snow in the forecast! Holy shit! It is NOVEMBER! I remember having snow in December, but never November. I guess we’ll be dreaming of a white week before Thanksgiving! My co-workers are talking about the policy for closing the college if snow was to happen. Talking about how they don’t drive if it is snowing (which I don’t either because my mother freaks out, even now that I’m 30) and even if they don’t close the campus they still don’t come in. The thought makes me so happy to have snow. I love snow. I love how quiet things get and how the air feels on your face. I love the way it squishes under your feet when you walk through fresh powder. Fireplaces, hot chocolate, and the thought of not having to worry about being anywhere. I love it all. Granted, it is still a little bit early for snow, but whatever! I will take what I can get when it is given.
I have had a lot on my mind surrounding my emotions and such the past 3 days now. I am at a point where I honestly don’t know what to do. Actually, I could just leave everything alone and just stop caring. It will take me a while to stop, but i really need to figure out how. I figure all the bull shit will figure itself out. I did learn that he has feelings for me on and off. That made me happy, but I want to know what causes them to turn off. I may never know. But I did ask him to meet me in person so we can talk. I’m so over phone communication it isn’t even funny. Technology is driving a void between all humans to the point where we’re learning how to become isolated and never speak to each other. I’m over it. I need real communication. I need your undivided fucking attention. Ya know what I’m sayin’? That is a soapbox for another day. All I know is that i need to speak and I need to get it out and conversing through a device isn’t work for this girl anymore. Done. And this is coming from someone that has never really been one for expressing how I feel about anything to anyone. I blog. That gets most of my issues out into the world. It is my outlet to bitch. But now I want to spend time actually using my voice. It has been quiet long enough. And when it comes to matters of the heart I just have to say shit sometimes. You know what the best part of a relationship is for me? The first time you get the balls to tell someone you love them. For me, I know its really love when I say it and it takes my breath away. I miss that feeling. I miss the uncertainty. I remember when Jesse told me he loved me for the first time. We had been out on the upper West side of Manhattan having dinner at one of my favorite spots. We had made our way back to Columbus Ave to grab our respective trains and we were saying our goodbyes at the top of the entrance to the subway. After I pulled from our embrace he said, okay I’ll talk to you later. I love you. And I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around and said “you what?” And he started laughing and said it again. I kissed him and responded with “I love you too, ” and it was perfection from there. It took my breath away. As the words left my mouth my heart raced and I couldn’t breathe. It was real. It was real love. That I later took for granted and fucked up. Live and learn though right?
So, yesterday I had a visit from my favorite student. He smiled and was in a lovely mood. He asked to borrow a pen to do some work and I let him borrow it because I knew he would actually give it back! unlike all the other students here. He had been in a class for library instruction with one of the other reference librarians (they don’t let me teach) and he was working on his assignment after the class was over. He saw the librarian that was teaching his class out in the library and went to ask her a question. It was not a stupid question by any means, he was just asking for clarification on the assignment. She proceeded to reply in a harsh tone to his question like it was so fucking terrible that he had even asked or taken up her time. I was across the desk from her when she responded to him and I almost flipped my shit on her. It is incredibly unnecessary to be rude to this boy. He is not one to ask questions at all and it is obvious that he has some disability, so maybe she should know to treat him a bit more delicately. I was furious. I turned around at my desk and glared at her. Yes, she had been talking to some of the other staff, but it wasn’t like he just barged into the conversation. He said excuse me because he is a polite individual. I was so disgusted by her actions that It was everything I could do to keep my mouth shut. Maybe she is just a bit ol bitch and doesn’t have any manners when it comes to dealing with people, or the public in general. I was happy to hear from another staff member that she’s super pissed that I am taking a half day on Tuesday! That made me so happy, because she is going to have to cover my desk hours. It is not like she does any damn work anyway! She just sits in her office, with her fuzzy slippers on (oh yes!) and dicks off on facebook. Occasionally she will do something that is required of her (like make a new schedule or gather some statistics) but that is few and far between. Once in a while one of the ladies I work close with will get on her phone and see if the other librarian is on facebook. She usually is. Can you imagine the luxury? They hired me to man the reference desk because the director is out on sick leave and the other two reference librarians are technically ‘stand ins’ for her until the director returns. The nice ref librarian has far more responsibility as a stand in than the rude one. She is much better at her job also. But because of these new duties I am the stand in to answer reference questions. They hate being at this desk. They hate dealing with the superficial questions that we get about printing and citation formats. All of it drives them crazy. The one question I have is, why in hell did you pursue a career in reference if you don’t like helping people figure things out. What the fuck did you think it meant? I thought I would be teaching classes and helping people do real research, but I’m not. They don’t need that level of assistance. They need a very low level, dealing mostly with computer illiteracy and figuring out how to print. Yes, it is pretty damn boring sometimes but that is your damn job. Maybe you should learn that and suck it up! Oh and the ref librarian that I don’t like, always manages to leave 6-10 minutes early. Must be nice to get to bounce from work early every damn day. She claims it is because she gets here early, but if that is the case I should be granted the same luxury because the minute I walk in the door she just leaves, even when I’m not technically working yet. (she gets here at 7 and I get here at 8 so for the first hour the library is open she is the ref librarian, but when I show up at 7:50 she just bounces before I have a chance to get settled into my morning). All I know is that the next job I have I would like for there to be a few more men around to keep the caddy bitching to a minimum. I can’t handle all these women.
Alright bloggers, I guess I should wrap this up and figure out something to occupy my time this morning. Lunch is in 2 hours! and i’m starving! Enjoy your weekend!