…you should learn when to shut up. This is something that I have been dealing with my whole life. Once in a while I just have verbal diarrhea. You all know what I’m talking about…that inability to stop spewing feelings or conceptions or just general information about my life and my beliefs and feelings. Last night it was one of those nights. For the record, it usually just happens to me when I have PMS because I get super emotional and feel the need to share these emotions with people. I was talking to someone I really care about, someone I might even have legitimate feelings for. I was expressing the fact that despite not technically wanting to have feelings for this person, I do. We have been through a lot together over the past couple years and even though I fight with myself about it, they are there. So I told him he was the only one I wanted. And he asked me why. To which I responded because I care about him a lot and we have been through a lot of things and our pseudo-relationship has been going on for a long time now, even though most people don’t know about it. I asked him if it was stupid of me to care. He told me he couldn’t answer that for me. Then I asked him if he cared back. He said sometimes he thinks of me as more than a friend. I should have asked when that sometimes was, but I didn’t. I was half asleep and kinda perplexed by his answer. I didn’t know that. i just assumed I was always a friend. Apparently there are times when I am not. And I woke up this morning and started thinking about it more. So I sent him a text saying that some days I consider him to be mine, and despite the fact that he isn’t technically I still do it, and I know it is stupid or silly or whatever, but its the truth and I feel like he should know. He isn’t out of bed yet, so I have had no response. I don’t know what kind of response is going to come from that. But I have not kept my feelings a secret (which I told him yesterday). Now after hearing that I mean more to him than I thought (at least sometimes) it gave me a glimmer of hope. I don’t know if I should care about it the way that I am, but I do and I can’t stop it.
I have spoken my peace. I can’t allow myself to stress about it. If I do it will eat me up and I will just get really upset. Whatever he says I will take it and decide where to go after that. That is all I can do, right? If it was meant to happen it will happen. Sometimes I have control issues and that is something that I need to work on. Fate is something that I generally believe in and it is something that I should let figure itself out without constantly needing to be in control. I can only control how I feel about him. I can’t control how he feels about me, end of story. I do know that I don’t want him out of my life. I don’t think he is going anywhere either, so I don’t feel the need to dwell on that either. I gotta learn to focus on me and making me happy. Welcome to the biggest challenge that I ever faced! lol. Making myself happy is the hardest thing I have ever attempted to accomplish. Does anyone else have this problem?
I remember the first New Years I was in NYC, my goal was to figure out what made me happy. I did really well for a while and I learned a lot about myself and what made me happy. It has dwindled since then and I need to figure it out again. This is going to be my November Resolution. Finding out what makes me happy. No matter how small or big it might be! I feel like I have been in a funk for a while now and its really getting old. I don’t know how to technically fix it, but I am certainly going to try! I think this quest will help me. I think I will even make certain to take time on a daily basis to write about what I discover along this journey. Today, what is making me happy is the fact that I expressed my feelings and I went out on a limb and didn’t look back. I put myself out there, which is something I never do! I am proud of myself for facing that. I have never been really one of those people who dealt with feelings, but this boy makes me want to and even though I am uncertain about them I have just gotten to the point where I can’t keep them in anymore.
I have been in love twice. Once with Ken and the other time with Jesse. Jesse was actually the only real love that I have ever experienced. He didn’t care about the way I looked. He didn’t care that I had my crazy moments. He honestly loved me for who I was and I didn’t have to hide or change anything. When I wanted to explore he was more than accommodating. He gave me a sense of confidence that I never had before. That was the best part of him. I wish that he was still in my life, but I know that he can’t be. He helped me become who I became in a difficult time in my life. I was in a new city and didn’t really have any friends. He helped me feel at home. He was not just my companion but my love. I am thankful that he was put in my life so that I could know what love was like. So now I spend my time waiting for it to come back. Even though you’re not supposed to look for it, or so they say, I do. I might have to spend time looking for happiness instead of love. That is how I came across Jesse those many years ago. I was looking for happiness and I succeeded in finding love.
Blogging makes me happy. It helps me work out these issues that I keep floating around in my head. That is my revelation for the day. This is my outlet. This is my salvation. Writing and understanding myself. I am happy for Jesse and Blogging and myself for putting my feelings out in the world to the people that needed to know about them. Today is a good day, full of happiness. I hope yours are just as successful! Have a great day, Bloggers.