Today is the type of morning that I love. For starters it is Saturday, I have a big cup of coffee, and I am sitting here watching the mist lift. It is exceptionally thick this morning and would usually be gone already, but it is holding on. I am happy that I don’t have to be at my 2nd job until 12:30 today. I am ready for this shift to be over so I can go out and get my phone upgraded :). Then I am supposed to go to two different parties. One is my friend’s dad’s party. They brewed their own beer and made some sangria for it. It is going to be amazing. Then another very old friend of mine is having his annual chicken stew. Lucky for me they are just down the road from each other! So I have a full Saturday ahead of me. My sister is going to be here tomorrow, which I am excited about.
So the past couple days I have had some personal issues that I am trying to deal with or sort out. My best friend and I were out for drinks the other night and she made a comment that we needed to find some real men. We need to stop being taken advantage of by young boys and instead find a man. Now, I can honestly say that I am not happy with my current situation. Mostly because it is not a real relationship. It is a friendship with sex. It used to be more friendship and less sex, but now it is more sex and less friendship. We have been through a lot together. I genuinely care for him. Not having him in my life would be pretty upsetting to me. And this whole ordeal has been going on for almost 2 years now. So of course I am attached to him. We talk daily. Some days more than others. The only real issue is I don’t trust him. He has no reason to trust me either, but my lacking trust is becoming more of an issue for me lately. I am trying not to let it get to me. He has been complaining of his side hurting for 2 days now. I told him it was probably a pulled muscle and then I talked to my mother (who is a doctor) about it and she said it probably was something muscular. From this I started thinking about way that you could pull a muscle in your side. Turning funny, lifting something wrong, heavy thrusting, coughing (thats what happened when I had the flu), or something else. The heavy thrusting part is what got stuck in my mind. It wouldn’t have been from the last time we did it because that was a week ago today and it wouldn’t have shown up 5 days later. He does work a lot. Roughly 60 hours a week. So there isn’t a lot of time for him to do much else (especially since his new video game came out), however a friend of his is staying with him because she got kicked out of her house. I don’t like her. I don’t trust her. I never have, but really he is just being a good friend and letting her crash. I asked him if they were having sex. He said no. I asked him if they were sleeping in the bed together, he said no. I want to believe him. I do for the most part because he is very open to share the information I ask for. He knows I don’t like her being there, but what can I do? We’re not exclusive. We’re just there. And I am far more invested than he is (or so it seems). He is afraid of feelings. I know that. I know he has been burned badly by others in the past. I haven’t been through that really. I have seen my friends be cheaters and for a while when he and I first started fooling around I was sleeping with someone else. So I keep telling myself that I cannot be upset with him if it is the case. I did it. He doesn’t know. He’s not my exclusive boyfriend. And as I sit here and make all these excuses it makes me hate that I think and function the way I do.
I just want him to love me. Because I just want to be loved and supported on more than a sexual level. This is because I am old now and not just looking for a thrill. My best friend asked me if I was so hesitant to get rid of him because I want more from him and I am still holding out. She is right in a way. I figure if I am everything he wants that I will end up winning him over. But I know I shouldn’t have to try this hard for love. I shouldn’t even have to try at all apparently. That’s what the story books say, right? Love comes naturally and you don’t have to work for it? I just figure sometimes that I am putting up with this relationship and the few before this one because I have bad karma to get rid of. I am working it off and I have been since 2009 when I did my boyfriend at the time rather poorly. It was a mistake and if I could take it back I would. I left him for a dream romance that had been festering since I was 15 years old. I was blinded by that stupidity. And I screwed up. I know that. I have been dealing with that ever since. One day I will forgive myself for it. I don’t know when that will be. I do know that my exboyfriend is very happy with his new life without me. They are getting married. But that is all I know. I have seen pictures on facebook. Even though we don’t speak, I still keep up with him a little. The 15 year old romance that I left him for turns 31 today. I just sent him a birthday email. It was quite short, and as much as he has broken my heart in the past 15 years I still care for him a great deal. I don’t think about him everyday like i used to, but i do still love him. We don’t talk much anymore. Random text once in a blue moon. He moved to Milwaukee with his new girlfriend. He too, is happy. And yet here I sit, beating myself up over things that I did a long time ago when I was young and stupid. Now i am just old and reflective and putting myself though all this bullshit because deep down I care too much for the boy who doesn’t seem to care as much. I would do anything for him. I have done A LOT for him. Things that I don’t even want to remember but think about on a daily basis. Things that I still cry about. But then I think about all the good. All the fun and the great memories with him. The parties and the nature hikes. The nights just sitting on my front porch listening to owls and the roar of the highway. The nights when he would sleep next to me and snore so loud. That night we fell asleep on the couch together holding hands. All of those things amount to more than the stupid bullshit issues and the bad things. I just want him to hold my hand again. Push the hair out of my face and run his fingers across the back of my neck while we watch a movie. Honestly, I suppose I should be telling him this. shouldn’t i? If I care about him this much, I should at least have the balls to tell him what is going on in my head. Oh well. I suppose I know what I have to do now.
The sun has cleared the mist off the tree tops. The world is on fire with a rich variety of leaf color. There is a cool breeze blowing through the window. I just want to dwell on the good. Love and gratitude for what I have in my life. And since it is the month of Thanksgiving, I suppose I will go out on a limb and say that I am thankful for my feelings and emotions. No matter how crazy they get, I am pleased that I can have these feelings and still manage to thrive and succeed in my life (maybe just not my romantic life).
Until next time Bloggers… Enjoy this beautiful fall day, wherever you may be.