The Last 45

Today kicks off my last 45 days of my 90 day Paleo challenge. As previously stated, I don’t really keep it up after 30 days, but this time I’m going pretty strong. I actually love to cook so it isn’t a chore to me like some people. I also don’t have a microwave, so things don’t even get reheated easily. I really try to get rid of all of the terrible things from my diet. Even to the point of being aware of things like lotion and shampoo and the harmful toxins that they contain. Lucky for me my mom makes her own toiletries, and I am kept fully stocked! I know what is in my soap, deodorant, body oil, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, etc. How many of you can say the same? A friend of mine is a consultant for BeautyCounter. They are a company trying to change the way of the world through beauty products that don’t contain harmful things. I do have a lot of their products and they work wonderfully, but there is nothing better than saying “Hey mom, I really want this face oil but its really expensive, can you make it?” and then a couple minutes later she has a batch ready for you. At some point, I’m going to make everything. I will plant all of my food and use it to make other things too. I have this terrible craving to be a part of the dirt again. I haven’t really been that way since I was a kid. It is amazing how things have changed since the 80s in the access to the earth we have. Or at least me anyway. But I digress.

I’m sitting here killing time before my 8am weigh in at the gym. I just weighed myself at home and I’m at 271. I try really hard not to pay attention to scales. Today we’re also going to get our stats taken. He will measure how much of my body is fat, muscle, and the rest (bones, organs, skin, fluid, etc.). We are going to see what they are, and what they become in 30 days. Then there is a cash prize for who changes the most. I plan on getting paid. I’m probably the only one going there that is on a super strict eating regime anyway, and I’m pretty damn used to it at this point. I more than likely will never go back at this point. If I actually want to make it to 170lbs. That’s my goal. I think if I’m any smaller than that I might look pretty weird.

My mantra for the next 45 days is to not be afraid to fail. I will try. I will show up. I will allow myself to be scared and petrified of what will change in my life if I keep pushing myself toward better things. That is the only way, right? I’m not stressed about numbers. They will take care of themselves in the end. As long as I eat enough, sleep enough, and show up 4 days a week at Training for Warriors, then I’ll be set. It is all a crucial part of a pyramid that really works. I highly recommend it! 4-6-8 is the formula. 8 hours of sleep, 6 meals, and 4 days of training. The days that I don’t train I do yoga. All together I am creating a body that is limber, strong, and healthy.

Happy Saturday everyone! Remember that you’re worth the fight.

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A New Beginning

I haven’t written here in a long time, but I feel the need to do so again. The past few months I have heard and felt the struggle in my body get quieter. My mind isn’t as loud and crazy as it once was, and I am finding more of a connection with the natural way of the world. Not that I have become a full blown hippie or anything, but I have taken up doing yoga. It is helping me learn to let go. I have also made a decision, which is quite important and is what drove me back here to write.

I have been a fat kid my whole life. I’m 32 now and wear roughly a size 18/20. Now, the last time I wore this size it was 1995 and I was 12. So yeah. Fat kid, my whole life. The heaviest I ever was I weighed 330lbs. That was about 10 years ago when I was in college. My weight issues are pretty terrible, but I also have PCOS so the weight will go on like nothing without me even trying, but to get it to come off is an act of Congress.

I have been actively working to lose weight since March 2013. I started off pretty slowly, going on walks and short jogs around the neighborhood. I would do “Walk away the Pounds” dvds and things like that too. It was good. It got me moving. I started looking at what I ate. I started taking all the bread out. I read an article somewhere (I forget now, I’m sorry) that women with PCOS should cut out all diary and simple carbs. Also, keep the sugar as low as possible. So I tried. I started using soy milk and eating burgers with no cheese and no bun. That kind of thing. January 2014 I decided I was going to do Paleo for the first time. 30 days with nothing processed, no dairy, alcohol, no added sugar. I did it and I had great results! It was fantastic. I stuck with certain aspects of it, but I didn’t follow it strictly all the time. July 2014 I found Training for Warriors. I had a groupon. My mom loves it and has been doing it for over a year. So I bit the bullet and went. It was fun. I saw results. I ended up moving right after my groupon expired for a job where I currently live.

Wednesday, 9/23 I officially signed up for Training for Warriors here in my current city. Saturday we are going to do stats and body composition and see how they change in the month of October. There is a $20 buy in and a grand prize for most muscle mass gained and most fat lost. I plan on taking home both of those prizes. On Saturday as well it will be day 45 for my 90 day Paleo challenge. I have been strict for the past 45 days and still have 45 more. I will be amazed to see what kind of actual changes are happening. The scale stopped moving the second week but I can feel changes happening.

So I’ve decided to show up. I’ve decided to let go of the fear of not being good enough and stop making excuses. I have always been afraid of being a skinny girl. I’ve been afraid of it my whole life. I don’t know how to be skinny. I don’t. I know how to be the biggest baddest bitch in the room, but I have no idea how to be skinny. That scares me to death. But I decided that it isn’t a big deal at all to be skinny. I can do it. I’m gonna fucking earn it. Not like all the other people who got their tummies tucked and gastric bypass. I’m capable of doing it by expending energy and putting stresses on my body that cause it to adapt. And if I never eat a bag of M&M or 3lbs of gummy bears or a bag of mini Reese’s cups for the rest of my goddamn life then so be it. I’ve spent enough time torturing myself, it is time to embrace me and take her to a new level.

Today is the new beginning.

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Hump Day, Week 3.

I’ve been so discouraged since I broke my toe. I know there is still a fair amount of exercise that I can do with it broken, but a lot of the ones that I had organized for the month requires functioning feet to accomplish. Then yesterday I was going to go to the gym at work since it is open again. Yeahhhhh, apparently, even though nothing has changed, and I’m still an employee there I have to fill out the damn paperwork again so my ID will get me through the gate. I was so bummed about that too. I had a date with an air bike for like an hour in my head. I was feeling it, and it wouldn’t hurt my toe!

I hate these moments. Yes, I’m supposed to push through it and rise above, but I’m also not trying to never be able to use my toe for pushups or planks or yoga….it is involved with a lot! UGH! So I’m trying to keep that in mind too. It has only been a week. It doesn’t really hurt anymore, but still isn’t back to normal. I have to not be that upset about it. It shall pass.

Food has been fun. I made that breakfast casserole from…. SO GOOD! and I have breakfast for the week. so double points on that. Also I made some chia pudding with chocolate almond milk (yeah it has some sugar in it, but it’s not much!) and I made a parfait with berries and the chia pudding…In LOVE…. I needed something a lil sweet and chocolate almond milk has always been my thing to get the craving to go away, so I figured I’d take it up a notch and make it pudding. Healthy pudding at that. Then dinner I have had spaghetti squash with meat sauce and I had chicken with roasted butternut squash and some “rice” (cauliflower). Both quite good. Quite filling. Also, Have you tried the Pistachios that are sweet chili flavored? Can you say crack? I’m so glad they have the least amount of fat in the nut family, but I could have eaten 10lbs of those. Oh, and the tangelos have been tasty this season.

I’ve been having bad desires for soda. I did break down and have one yesterday, because I’m weak lol. Either way, it was a diet soda, not that it won’t kill me any slower, either way, I caved. I have been dying for some cake, and 50% of the people I live with have a birthday today. There is a kids cake and a cheese cake in the fridge. Shoot me please.

That is where I am today.

Happy Hump Day!

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Week 2 Wrap UP

Good Morning, Bloggers!

So, I have had a bit of a crazy week. Monday night I broke my big toe. That put a bit of a damper on my week. I was lazy because of it.

Food has been good this week. Loved the breakfast casserole from I ate it all week! I will probably do it again next week too, lol.

Overall, I don’t have much to report. Week 3 is almost here and I am gonna make it count for real. My toe feels much better and I haven’t taken pain killers in a couple days now, so I think it will be alright if I walk and stuff this week. Maybe just not a lot of planking. I think that will be the only thing that would hurt it.

Enjoy the rest of your long weekend kids!

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Day 7…

Morning y’all.

Today I got up and made sweet potato pancakes, paleo style. They are far more hearty and nutty than your average pancake, but not sweet in any kind of way. It was more like a corn cake in texture, but still tasty. Even my roommates kid liked them and she’s 3.

So, a serious “come to Jesus” moment I had last night with myself. I found the paper where I had written down my measurements in October and I compared them to the measurements that I took when I started this challenge. It truthfully made me incredibly sad. I’ve only grown 2 inches all around (waist, chest, hips) and that isn’t SO much, but I’m disappointed that I allowed it to happen. Before I moved I was pretty beastly and now i’m flabby and it broke my heart. Well, guess what? It was the motivation that I needed. If I can put on 2 inches in 3 months, I sure as hell can take them off, hopefully faster. I also lost 3 lbs in the past 6 days of this challenge. My friend who’s doing it with me and who has never done it weighed herself yesterday and has lost 10lbs. That made me sad for a few minutes too, but then I have to remember that I eat Paleo pretty much all the time. She doesn’t. My body is far more used to the restrictions and has already adjusted to them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset about 3 lbs. I am quite excited about that, however, it does make me jealous. I aim to be back at the weight I had in July by the end of this challenge. That means I only have to lose 11lbs. Strict challenges like this usually knock off 10lbs for me, so that will be perfect!

I will say that I did get in 6 workouts this week. I followed the schedule that I have set for myself. Monday was upper body, Tuesday was Yoga and cardio, Wednesday was energy circuit, Thursday was yoga, Friday nothing, but Saturday was makeup for Friday and that was legs. Also I threw in salsa dancing on Tuesday, which is a hell of a workout.

This coming week is going to be fun. I’m excited to start volunteering at the library today. Classes start back on Monday, which I am also excited about. New semester, new challenges, and a new solid focus on myself. I’m not worried about going on dates. I’m not worried about other people and their problems, but I am going to pay more attention to my health and my future. Setting goals and attaining them will be my focus. I have roughly 8 months to find a real job and get ready to apply to PhD programs. I’m working on doing some writing and expanding my thesis from NYU to maybe get part of it published. If I can find someone who will want to get it published. But we shall see!

Health and happiness…

Let go or be dragged…

I choose to do the thing you won’t so I can continue to do the things you can’t.

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Day 6…

Well, I promised you complete honesty, and I will give you that. The end of Thursday was a terrible fail. I got completely wasted. Lucky for me I threw it all up and had the worst hang over known to man, but I did it and it’s over. Yesterday I didn’t want to eat at all. I had some eggs and spinach and coffee. I didn’t workout. I ended up getting a tattoo though, which was fun and unexpected and completely spontaneous. It is a motivating tattoo. I’m working on giving myself permission to let go of the things that drag me down. Not only people but habits. I also need to let go of the hate that I have for myself. I have been putting myself down for decades now and I need to learn how to stop. In my horribly drunken stuper (that happened because of two hard blows to my heart) I realized that the whole time I kept saying “why does no one want me?” But really, that shouldn’t be my concern. I should be more concerned with why I think that I am the problem. I don’t have enough belief and love for myself to actually have any kind of healthy relationship. I sit around telling myself that I want to be in a relationship and I want someone to love me (which I do) but I never actually thought about why I don’t love myself. I don’t know why. I wish I did.

My new years resolution was consistency. Consistent in my life choices and just in any capacity¬† that I can think of. I didn’t do so well with the consistency this week, but I am back on track and getting things worked out. Today I will complete the workout that I was going to do yesterday (leg day) and make wise food choices. I need to make a run to the grocery and prepare for the week ahead. It will be a better week. The motto of self love and letting go of the things that drag me down will be my mantra this week, and every week from here on out. Consistent!

I’m also going to make a point to go out and involve myself in the community. I start volunteering at the library this weekend and I am excited about it. I get to meet new people! I get to be back in a library and I get to help people out with whatever they need. It might only be for a couple hours a week, but it is still something. I hope it is as much fun as I think it will be.

Well, since day 4 was a huge bust and 5 suffered for it I get to make day 6-30 count even more. Have a good weekend!new tattoo


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Good Morning Day 4

Yesterday was kinda rough. I wanted sugar something terrible. Something sweet just to taste. I didn’t give in though. I wanted a diet coke pretty hard too. Now Day 4 is here and I dare say it will get any easier. Day 3 was full of good food though.

I made a smoothie for breakfast that was loaded with spinach, about 5 slices of frozen banana, almond butter, almond milk, cinnamon (which is a great addition that keeps your blood sugar under control), and a lil honey for sweetness.

Lunch I had tuna with cucumber and carrots. Who needs crackers when you have cucumber slices with a lil salt and pepper on them (it really makes a difference!!!).

Dinner was epic though. I had a new friend come over and wracked my brain for about 4 days as to what I was going to make for sides. I made lamb shoulder chops with a balsamic reduction, mashed sweet potatoes with cinnamon and nutmeg, and green beans with  garlic. Everyone loved it!

My workout session was pretty epic too. What we call an energy circuit. I tell ya, you will sweat more than you think you can when you’re done with a 20 min energy circuit. Today it is FAR too cold to do my Thursday run and yoga. So I am going to do some yoga and taebo. I love Taebo. It is a lot of fun and is my fall back when it is raining or dumb cold outside, I highly recommend it.

Have a great day people. I have to do some work in the office this afternoon and I have to say I’m looking forward to it!

arlic. I hav

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